For foster carers, one of the biggest questions at the top of their mind will be about where to begin building trust with a child who doesn’t know you, has probably had terrible experiences, and is frightened or anxious. It can be hard, that is worth acknowledging. Yet, it absolutely helps to think about trust as a wider concept as opposed to a finite arrangement. Trust is not wrapped in a box and gifted; it is earnt and accumulated. It takes time, energy and authenticity to build. This guide has some helpful pointers for building this trust dynamic with your foster children.
Be Transparent from Day One
There is a heavy importance around transparency. Transparency is integral to any mutually trusting relationship, regardless of the format, so it makes sense that you would factor that in as a core concept. Transparency should come from all angles too, like your social worker and agency, e.g., Orange Grove Foster Care, your partner, and even your birth children, about expectations. You have to be transparent with foster children from the very first conversation.
Stay Consistent
The majority of these children coming into care are going to be extremely hypervigilant with their guards firmly raised and will want to trust no one naturally. This is completely understandable. The way you navigate this is by being genuine, consistent and only saying things that are the truth. As soon as they catch you in a lie, it’s game over, so your consistency is key in this context. What ways can you be consistent?
- Showing up to the routine that you talk about together.
- Doing what you say you’re going to do.
- Providing reliable care when they need it.
- Anticipating needs and listening to grievances.
- Regulating your own emotions and modelling positive self-care and self-management.
Listen
Listening is one of those things that is not talked about enough. The value of a human being listening to another human being is beyond words. Sometimes, these children will just need someone to listen to them and see them. And sometimes, not saying anything is the best medicine of all. There is no scope for building trust if the child can never get a word in during conversations. Listening also helps you to learn first and be led by information and insight as opposed to reacting with misinformation and half a story. These two things will be extremely important to the trust building process.
Step Around Conflict
The way you respond to potential conflict will dictate how quickly or how well a foster child learns to trust your dynamic. Conflict will feature from time to time, just like it does with birth children in the house. It is a natural part of the relationship between adult caregiver and child dependent. Stepping around conflict and promoting positive neutrality, informed action and collaborative processes will be amazing for your trust growth journey. It will also help with meaningful and concrete boundary building.
Foster carers can build trust with their foster children, but it is a process. It will never happen instantly, and this is a vital area to pour effort into.
