Why do we introduce ourselves as a vice president, a traveller, a fashionista, a valedictorian, an amazing cook, the homecoming queen, as someone’s mother, as the owner of a BMW, or as a size 4? How was it decided that what we are is more valuable than who we are? What does it say about us, and what does it do to us, when we don’t value ourselves for just being?

Are we less happy the more closely we identify with a job title, our possessions, our image of ourselves, or our appearance? Are we more likely to forget what we really want out of life, and who we really wanted to be when we grew up? Is it possible that it also makes it impossible to live without these things, if we have bound ourselves too tightly to them in our own minds? Is this why retirement and aging are difficult for many of us?

Why did we go from self acceptance as a child, to other acceptance as an adult? Is it a human survival skill? Do we give up pieces of ourselves each time we strive to meet expectations? When we go for the corporate job, rather than the artsy job we want (or vice versa), do we tell a little piece of ourselves that it isn’t valuable?

Is there a moment in each of our lives that we say that we’re going to let go of other’s approval, and write the improved edition of ourselves? Or do we need to “be” things to complete ourselves?

Just a few questions I’m pondering today.

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I adore hat boxes. They’re so elegant and refined. They keep my hats protected, but they also remind me of days gone by and my grandmother’s glamourous hat boxes. I used to love to play dress up in her closet with her shoes, purses, and those amazing hats. Opening each box was magical.

They’re also one of my favourite decorating accessories. Whether vintage or new, masculine or feminine, clean or shabby, frugal or designer, they can bring the perfect feel into a room depending on which type of box you choose. Here are a few that I can picture in lovely rooms of all styles.

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Charmed lives don’t just happen, they’re built. They’re built one idea at a time, one act at a time, and one day at a time.

Today’s feat is to stop complaining for just one day. Don’t complain about having to get out of bed to go to work. Don’t complain about the traffic. Don’t complain about having gained a few pounds. Don’t complain about your coffee not being right. Don’t complain about the kids leaving a mess in the kitchen. Don’t complain about your partner. Don’t complain about your coworkers. Don’t complain about anything.

Complaining only serves to bring yourself, and others around you down. You see, there’s a place for asking for the important things you want and need in life, but complaining about small things chips away at your sense of well-being and happiness. It can become a habit, and while you’re complaining about something insignificant, you may be missing the lovely little moments all around you that make life so charming.

So, just for one day, hang up the complaining PhD that all humans have, and go by the old adage “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Your day (and everyones around you) will be better for it.

By the way, this house is a mess.

*Advanced class: When you’re thinking of complaining, say something nice instead. For instance, rather than complaining about the mess the kids left in the kitchen, remind yourself how much you’re going to miss them (and their little fingerprints) when they leave home; rather than complain about traffic, enjoy the person in the car next to you as they sing along to their favourite song.

My grandfather used to say that we were born as smart as we’d ever be, and that we became less bright with age. I never understood what he meant, until today.

You see, when we’re born we see the world in an uncomplicated way. We know what we need, and we ask for it. We like nice people, and we don’t like mean people. We sleep when we’re tired, we eat when we’re hungry, and we stop eating when we’re full.

As we grow older, we eat and drink to cure loneliness, rather than calling a friend. We overwork to avoid close relationships, rather than finding people we can trust to form strong bonds with. We hold grudges, play games, spend more than we make, want things we don’t need, and we get too far away from our basic human needs. In other words, we complicate things.

Today, on what would have been my grandfather’s 88th birthday, I dedicate this list to my Papa. Thank you for everything. I finally get it.

1. Don’t try to read other people’s minds

2. Get up 30 minutes earlier so that you don’t rush/get a ticket while driving too fast/have to explain why you’re late/get fired

3. Get 8 hours of sleep per night so that you think more clearly

4. Stick to your budget

5. Start saving and investing every week, no matter how little you can spare

6. Balance your checkbook

7. Don’t try to be friends with everyone. Cultivate closer relationships with fewer people.

8. Don’t try to do business with everyone. Identify your target client and take very good care of them.

9. Before getting angry, ask yourself if it will really matter in 20 years

10. Focus on being a good person, not on pleasing others

11. Stay home this Saturday, and finish off that nagging chore that you need to finish

12. Kiss and make up

13. Make a weekly menu, and shop for only those items at the market

14. Ask your grandparents the best way to uncomplicate life, and try it for a month

15. Fill up your gas tank when it’s half full

16. Don’t drink alcohol when you’re tired, sad or mad

17. Pay your bills on time

18. Get an annual physical examination

19. Say “I love you” to your significant other and to your children. Studies show that more marriages last, and fewer kids use drugs, when these words are spoken every day.

20. For just one day, imagine everyone’s intentions are good because most people’s are

21. Give away clothes that haven’t been worn in two years

22. Throw out clothes that are in disrepair, and can’t be mended

23. When you have a conflict with someone, talk it out. Don’t let it turn into more than it is.

24. Know what your priorities are in life, and act as if they are your priorities

25. Tell the truth

26. Don’t cheat

27. Don’t steal

28. If you’re holding a ridiculous grudge, let it go

29. Clean your house weekly, so that it doesn’t become too large a chore

30. Do your best at work, or at school

31. Don’t eat when you aren’t humgry

32. Eat when you are hungry

33. Be yourself

34. Say no unapologetically

35. Cook simple meals

36. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses

37. Pay off your car before buying a new one

38. Organise your desk at the office

39. Change your smoke alarm batteries when the clock springs forward, and when it falls back

40. Organise your important paperwork

41. Take only half the clothes that you planned to take with you on holiday

42. Help your children with their homework every night, and have an open dialogue with their teachers

43. Have white sheets and white towels in children’s rooms, because they’re easily bleached

44. Spend your time with nice people

45. Avoid drama

46. Don’t text or talk on the phone while driving

47. Turn off the television/video games/computer; they’re time consumers

48. Don’t engage in office politics

49. Refuse to gossip, or talk behind other people’s backs

50. Do the dishes right after dinner

51. Never go to sleep angry

52. Ask nicely for what you need and want

53. Walk 10,000 steps per day to help your heart

54. Do 20 push-ups before speaking in anger

55. Leave work at work

56. Don’t befriend anyone that isn’t trustworthy

57. Don’t envy others

58. Have your oil changed

59. Take vitamin C before you catch a cold

60. Don’t work more than 8 hours per day

61. Weed your garden weekly

62. Wash your car weekly

63. Have a spring cleaning month every year, and do one room at a time

64. You don’t need to be best friends with work colleagues, but build respectful partnerships

65. Don’t drink and drive

66. Don’t look for reasons to be angry or sad, look for reasons to be happy. You’ll always be able to find plenty of each.

67. Be friendly with your neighbours

68. Return emails and phone messages promptly

69. Schedule in free time

70. Don’t procrastinate

71. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it

72. Be more flexible when you’re able to be

73. Forgive and forget. End of story.

74. Break the consumerism habit…put a three month moratorium in place on buying anything not deemed a necessity

75. Start your diet on September 1, rather than January 1, so that you won’t also have holiday pounds to lose

76. Take care of any health issues or concerns

77. Have your tires rotated

78. Have your brakes checked

79. Have your eyes checked

80. Don’t let your imagination run away with you

81. Let go of perfection in others

82. Let go of perfection in yourself

83. Don’t try to help those that refuse to help themselves

84. Find a way to reduce your commute to work

85. Have an alloted amount of worry time per day/week, that you strictly abide by

86. Drink more water

87. Eat more salmon

88. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill

89. Wear your hair in a classic, easy to care for style

90. Finish what you start

91. Wear classic clothes and shoes that never go out of style

92. Create a daily routine

93. Have a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year plan for your financial and life goals

94. Slow down

95. Eat out less often

96. When you ask your husband which outfit looks best, thank him for his answer and wear the one he liked

97. Allow your children to grow up

98. Clean out your garage, and donate anything that hasn’t been used in the past year

99. Stretch every day

100. If a relationship is over, let it go

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I want to be like Lauren Bacall.

I want to be real, but elegant.

I want to be fearless, but feminine.

I want to be strong, but well mannered.

I want to be independent, but ladylike.

I want to live the life I dream of, and encourage those I love to do the same.

I want to be like Lauren Bacall.

Why is it so hard to create the simple life so may of us dream about? Why do I insist on buying one more thing I adore, but don’t need? Why must I put one more obligation into my calendar? Why do I need one more accessory with my outfit, on my nightstand, or in my automobile? When will I learn to say “no” more often, so that my “yes” truly matters?

Sometimes it helps me to just remember what simplicity looks like.

It’s focusing on one thing at a time….

And having time to just think.

It’s a simple meal with friends…

But, above all, it’s seeing the world in all it’s brilliant detail, so that I understand that I don’t need to add anything at all.

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As people from cities like London, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Paris, and NYC escape to the countryside for a bit of traditional August relaxation, I wanted to share a few of my favourite country retreats. Where are your favourite spots to escape to?

Loire Valley, France~Wine tasting in Bourgueil, buying fresh bread at the market in Saumur, picnicking by the river in Candes-Saint-Martin, exploring troglodyte caves, biking down dirt roads alongside fields overflowing with lavender and sunflowers. Flickr credit

New Braunsfel, Texas~Savouring German food, floating down the Guadalupe River on an inner tube, walking through fields of blue bonnets, listening to country music and the blues in Austin. Flickr credit

Cornwall, England~Browsing the shops of Padstow, enjoying the Tate St Ives and cream tea afterwards, surfing at Newquay, dining at Jamie Oliver’s Fifteen, driving along miles of narrow country roads lined with ivy-covered stone walls. Flickr credit

Martha’s Vineyard~Admiring rows and rows of gingerbread cottages in Edgartown, having clambakes at the shore, biking to Gay Head Lighthouse, enjoying freshly caught grilled lobster while watching the sunset at Menemsha. Flickr credit

The players and their ponies are unbelievably talented, and the match is quite exciting…

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Ladies wear summery dresses with flat sandals, or pants with riding boots…

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And the men wear summer hats…

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It’s the most elegant tailgate party you’ll ever see…

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Including a picnic lunch and lots of champagne…

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There were thrills…

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And spills…

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And you can even have Cowdray Castle ruins as the backdrop at Cowdray Park Polo Club...

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All for 15 GBP per person.

Enjoy!

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“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” M. Gandhi

Life is built on relationships. Individuals, groups, companies and countries all rely on their relationships with others in order to survive, and to thrive. Relationships aren’t always smooth though, and can easily go awry if not given the proper care, especially during disagreements or periods of change. Harsh words are spoken amongst family members, companies ignore client or employee satisfaction, employees don’t give their best, countries don’t honour agreements, egos are bruised, pride is hurt, important needs are overlooked or the proper attention is not paid, and a good partnership is in peril. It’s these forks in the road that can strengthen a relationship, or break it, depending on whether you choose to return fire, or to lay down your sword.

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What role do we play in helping those around us to build relationships, and to smooth over disagreements, though? We recognize that there can be peacemakers and warmongers among those that govern, but do we realize that we as individuals choose to be peacemakers or warmongers on a daily basis? What about those around us in everyday disputes? Can we help them to see past the immediate issue to the larger picture, or is it solely in the hands of those in the dispute to mend the rift? We play a crucial role in shaping each others relationships and lives, and we may not even know it. When a coworker speaks ill of our boss, when our best friend is having trouble with his spouse, when there’s a disagreement between friends; do we add fuel to the fire, or do we help the situation to naturally diffuse itself? Can we put aside our own unhappy marriage, or recent divorce, and help our friend remember why he fell in love with his wife, rather than trying to gain someone to commiserate with? Can we remind friends that have a falling out how many times they’ve been there for one another? Are we able to set aside the fact that we’re unhappy in our current job, and remind our coworker that he has an incredible amount of talent, and that the boss may be only trying to nurture that talent with her critical remarks, rather than luring someone to be our partner in negativity? I’ve seen examples of each of these responses, but I didn’t understand how elegantly powerful they were until just recently.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”   Mother Teresa

By the same token, if we’re the one in the difficult situation, have we noticed the difference that turning to someone with a positive view of their relationship or career can make? Many times we’ll get a sympathetic ear, and at least one suggestion that can help us be more objective once we’ve gotten over the initial anger or hurt feelings. It’s a small difference that can make all the difference, if only we’ll let it. We’d still have our disagreements, our hurt feelings, and our anger at being overlooked, because we are human, but it wouldn’t gain the same momentum to devastate our relationships and our lives.

Imagine a world in which, with our help, small battles never became large wars. I wonder what that would look like.