Is There a Modern Day Fairy Tale?

Have men and women stopped believing in fairy tales and happy endings?  When did it become a sign of weakness to need, and want, someone in your life? Was it our own poor experiences? Did we expect too much? Or was it low expectations of what a relationship can really offer? Was it killed by children of both genders being raised to get an education, have their own interests, never need anyone else’s help, and always be able to care for themselves financially and emotionally? Or, as I’m beginning to suspect, was that the right idea simply taken too far?

My beliefs are being challenged once again, and it began with a delightful couple I met in Edinburgh last month. We had been sat next to one another at a restaurant one evening, and we struck up a conversation. They were in their thirties, and had been married for nine years. They were also interesting, well educated and funny. They each had successful careers when they met, and had been on an equal financial footing. They now had three young children, and had decided it was best for the family if one parent were to stay home until everyone started school. In this case, the wife had been the one to put her career on hold and become a full-time caretaker, but I’ve seen this storyline played out the other way, as well. They seemed happy, and were enjoying their first weekend away from the kids in many months, until he pulled his PDA device out and began checking messages. She asked him politely if he could put it away, and he apologised and dropped it back into his pocket. He then explained to me that he took his role in “taking care of her” financially very seriously, and that he was always working to be certain he didn’t let her down. The wife instantly bristled, and made it clear that she could take care of herself financially, and that she didn’t need him for that. The look on his face spoke volumes. It was as if she had stabbed him with a knife. The thing that was bringing him a great sense of accomplishment, and his primary contribution to their life, had been summarily discounted. She, of course, had worked very hard to achieve independence, and was proud of that fact. Their circumstances don’t much matter, it could have been the other partner saying they didn’t need emotional support, rather than the monetary sort, but two thoughts leapt to my mind. The first being a realization that people need to be needed, not only to be wanted as I believed, and the second was a thought of how scary it really is to need another human being.

I can only speak from a woman’s perspective, so I’ve polled my male friends and will depend on the alternate points of view from your comments, but have we gone too far in being independent? Is there such a thing as too self-sufficient? The men I have spoken to have very strong opinions on the subject, and they are not what I expected. They believe there is often no place for them in a woman’s life. They’ve said that they are attracted to strong, smart women, but in the end they also want to be important to that person’s well being. I believe women want that same thing, so how can our male counterparts be faulted? I know that I’ve been that woman, trying to keep all the balls in the air so as to never “need” anyone else. I also have a close network of strong, successful female friends (some single and some in relationships) that have made wonderful lives for themselves, and I believe they too would admit to the same understanding of what it is to be a good partner. As women, we’ll deny to our deaths that we’re like our mothers, who were often raised to find Prince Charming, but are we really better off? Have we done nothing more than trade being too needy, for not needing anyone at all? Please don’t misunderstand, I am in no way suggesting that anyone should be needy, unhealthy, or not follow their own dreams. I’m just wondering if it isn’t time for a new definition on the classic fairy tale?

Here is what I’m proposing. The modern day fairy tale would be one in which each partner is a growing, happy, self-sufficient person; who is also strong enough to give and receive love, help and support. Each person would understand that their significant other is independent of them, with their own hopes, dreams, inadequacies, strengths, weaknesses, baggage, fears, foibles and eccentricities. They are perfectly imperfect, and exactly who they’re meant to be. We will be kind, even when the inevitable disagreements arise, and treat them as friends; rather than business partners, members of our staffs, or the center of the universe. We will work problems out together, as a team, with no blame. We will hold each other accountable, with love. However, they are not put on this earth to help us fulfill our destiny, nor or we here to fulfill theirs. They are only here to share this lovely journey with us. There would be no ‘changing another’ allowed. Take them or leave them. We will let the little things go. We will apologise sincerely. We will forgive AND forget. We’d also understand that the true fairy tale is in learning to unconditionally love another, and that healthy interdependence is the pinnacle of human well-being and happiness, not being so independent that we push one another away.

Please remember, I am the girl with the original rose coloured glasses, and I hope I haven’t set up another impossible expectation. I know, for once, it feels like a fairy tale I might actually want, and also one that I might have a shot at achieving. In my version, it is only the people that are flawed, not the fairy tale itself. Please leave a comment, and let me know what your modern fairy tale looks like, and I do hope all your fairy tales have very happy endings!

Flickr credit ~ JFA – japan